Do not let the voices in your head take over

I’ve noticed I’ve been bouncing between two predominant modes of thinking in my day to day, especially with reference to any kind of personal goal or habit. I’ve nicknamed these “Voice 1” and “Voice 2”, because it almost feels like I have an internal dialogue with a different person as I switch between them.

This is more of a shower thought (cycling thought, actually) than a fully-fledged piece, but I wanted to get it out anyway, largely for my own benefit. I’m trying to articulate my thinking more by doing more writing, and while most of it remains private, I find the pressure of putting something online to help me write more - and complete my thoughts rather than have dozens of half-started drafts.

Voice 1 vs. Voice 2

Voice 1: Tells it as it is to you. It’s not here to mollycoddle.

• “You need to lose weight”
• “You committed to going to the gym three times a week, yet you haven’t been since last month”
• “You’re falling behind on work”

Voice 1, lacking a filter or sense of empathy, can cause more harm than good.

• You give up on weight loss altogether
• You cancel your gym subscription
• You accept your mediocrity at work¹

But, like a personal trainer, or that good friend that practices tough love on you, it also helps hold you to account and acts like a wakeup call.

Where Voice 1 is the body-shaming bully calling you lazy or fat, Voice 2 is the self-care promoting, unconditionally-loving parent or activist influencer or whoever you get your ✨self love✨ messages from.

Voice 2 reminds us that we have intrinsic value, that we’re allowed to have cheat days, slip-ups, and moments of selfishness. We use Voice 2 to justify focusing on ourselves over our work or relationships, to get out of tough blows, pits of despair, and losing streaks.

But, like an overprotective parent, too much of Voice 2 can be just as damaging, if not more so, than Voice 1.

When you’ve ordered takeaway for the fifth time this week because “it’s been a tough day at work” (consisting of two minor setbacks), is that self-love, or self-destructive? How about when you bailed on your friends for the fourth time in as many weeks because you wanted to stay home (even though you know that the dread of leaving the house vanishes once you actually get there and start having fun)?

Maybe this is ultra-short-termist-self-gratification, disguised as something more noble like “self-love”?

What’s compassionate about keeping yourself from fulfilling your goals and living the life you actually want to?

Are you talking to yourself, or to others?

The other thing I’ve noticed myself doing sometimes is defaulting to Voice 2 not because I need to in that moment, but because I’m generally trying to be more empathetic and mindful of others’ baggage or triggers².

I’m not saying Voice 2 is exactly the same as treading carefully around a subject with others, or not being to #grindset about things with people, but there is a good amount of overlap.

What I’ve noticed is I’ve unintentionally let myself slip into more of a “Voice 2” mode lately, not because I actively chose to, and more because it just… happened. And I’d find myself asking “wait, why am I rationalising [not doing something I should be] like that?", and the answer automatically comes out like I’m talking to a third party about it. Language informs beliefs and all that perhaps?

To close this ramble-y note off, I’m not saying it’s bad to be kind to oneself, or conversely that it’s wrong to stretch ourselves in pursuit of our goals³. But, like with anything else, it helps to take some time every now and then to reflect on where we are, what we’re doing, and why, so that we can be sure that we aren’t on some weird form of autopilot or sleepwalk.